In the coming weeks, I may write a bit differently. The subject matter will be the same, but there comes a time when one has to rethink everything they know for reasons of making sure they’re on the right path. Maybe this is part of my OCD. I’m never happy with this blog, and rarely revisit old articles because it is a work in progress—a thing I hate. I like the destination, not the journey, and no one is going to tell me differently.
I was diagnosed with OCD only two years ago after so many years living with what I thought was only anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder.) GAD is a real thing, I am not going to say anything bad about those who suffer with it. Heck, I do suffer with it still—I was not misdiagnosed fully—I was just not diagnosed fully. For well over a decade. If not more. GAD felt like an easy way to get me out of the office. It took me writing every single thing about myself for a doctor to realize I have Pure-O OCD (you see—with Pure-O one doesn’t present in compulsions that are easy to use to diagnose.)
So I look at everything I’ve written and I don’t fully think all of it is right. I think, for one, I’ve focused somewhat on the quirks too much. I tend to use humor1 as a coping mechanism. But OCD isn’t funny in general. I mean, ok… I have to rethink that now. Having a system of forty-eight towels is a real thing that links to anxiety and depression, but the way I write about it… it’s a quirk. It’s silly.
I may not go through with this on the blog. I am not sure. I just know I’ve come to a point where I fear repeating myself merely for the sake of meeting my self-imposed deadline of writing a solid piece—I call them articles and not “entries” for a reason—every four days. I’m keeping with that pace, but the content needs to mean something fresh to everyone. Especially me.
So I am not one just to live with something that is a disorder and not try to:
1. Solve for it. “For” is the important word, a metaphor borrowed from math. I can’t solve it, but I can—I am sure somehow—come up with a master equation of some sort that describes it.
2. Be perfect in my description of it. I need to make sure the message I am sending is absolutely what my OCD is. I think some articles strayed from this perfection in an effort to go down another road to see if the description worked. Not sure if those articles will be removed.
3. Provide meaningful mechanisms others can use, or at least provide a nugget others can relate to. If not, this could all exist in my brain and the massive amount of notes I write only for me. But Yeah OCD is public for a reason.
So how am I going to do all of this? Well, I was thinking I would end this article with five2 mission points. But I think that is for another article. I think I’ll just end it with the simple fact that I am reassessing my OCD and what I feel OCD is, and I’d like you to be a part of it.
Oh, I also need to figure out what the best five articles for people who are visiting this site for the first time are. Maybe you can help with that. There are over 150… and I think I hate 75 and like 75 of them. Don’t forget you can always talk to me here.
Who the hell am I?
I’ll begin there. Let me think about that for a bit…