I’m not always right. Because of this, I operate mostly in fear that something is going wrong. Sure, that fear is rooted in OCD. Or, really, just the intensity of the fear and my compulsions stemming from such.
But my whole person is not wrong. The way I interact with the world—always afraid of obscure eventualities and future events, always afraid of past mistakes I’m not cognizant of, always afraid that I’ve not done the best I can—is all OCD. I have a way of thinking and my medication is not there to dampen that fire.
I strive to be always right. I don’t think that makes me a jerk. I completely understand that I’ll never reach that point, and I understand the nuances of the human condition—where we all (are supposed to) try our best and take it from there.
I can’t accept mistakes from myself, and therefore why should I accept them from others? I don’t fight about it, I understand I have to work with people as imperfect as me. But I still don’t accept mistakes.
I’m not a completely unhappy person in total. But in some areas of life—the productive stuff, the stuff that isn’t of the nature of the mind but rather the work we all have to do—I insist on never being happy. I don’t see a need. Why be complacent? I’ll enjoy the destination and not the journey when it comes to work—because I’m not able to enjoy that journey anyway.
So my OCD. What does that mean here? How does that change how the aforementioned attitude is labeled? Does my OCD excuse me from being wrongheaded about this part of life? I don’t think I am wrongheaded. I think this works.
Does my OCD make it so others can just label me “crazy” and ignore me? It doesn’t matter if people ignore me. I still am consumed by the potential for mistakes (past, present, and future.)
And I still remain with the thought: this works.
I fix problems. That happens a lot. I don’t know if I come off nice, miserable, angry, or… I don’t know how I come off when I fix problems. A part of me cares, as I am not a confrontational person. But I still fix problems.
I like fixing problems, and it doesn’t show. That’s right, I don’t come off as satisfied with fixing problems.
But I’m not wrong to keep looking for problems to fix.
One may say this is all part of my OCD, and the key is there is no way to divorce myself from my mental state. State. At times the disorder part comes out, other times it is just part of a state.
I need to do a much better job not caring what others think about how I approach the work-like world and let myself be when it comes to thinking about problems.
You see, it isn’t overthinking if I find problems. It’s just… finding problems. And I am damn good at that. Many times these are problems of my own creation. No one has ever micromanaged me more than myself.
That is a good thing.
That is a perfectly good thing.
I am not a perfectly good thing. I am not always right.
But I am not wrong. And I am more than just a presentation of OCD.