I don’t experience writer’s block. I experience a whole universe inside my head screaming for attention: of things that are going to go wrong, that are going wrong, that I am not sure if they will be—after all is said and done1—gone horribly wrong or just ok and meaningless. I do not have the ability to gauge the future in any way, I just know when things seem wrong. And “wrong” is always “horribly wrong.” It makes it impossible to be in a space to write about subjects that need more nuanced attention. So this is not that. But it is part of my OCD and mental disorder and illness, so—I get off easy, I can write about it and it counts.
Long introduction, huh? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’d like to categorize this, on this site, in the OCD Episodes section2. But it is not really an episode. It is a part of my OCD. My inability to be who I am—a creative, proactive, intelligent, and sensitive person.
I’m not patting myself on the back for any of that, when I was taking classes in mystical consciousness, I was told by my teacher at the time: the worst thing a person can be is intelligent and sensitive at the same time. I am that. I’m not going to rank any of these characteristics relative to others, that does nothing for me. I know for sure there are more creative, proactive, intelligent and/or sensitive people than me.
Back to my OCD. I am obsessed right now with certain very important people around me taking advantage of me. With OCD comes paranoia. (We will get to that in a second.) And thus, I am locked into diagramming—in my head—future eventualities and past experiences with these people. I am plotting the course that I am being put on against my will. That does not mean it is bad, but it feels like it may be. The stakes are pretty damn high as well, but that doesn’t even matter much. I’ve talked before about OCD and other mental disorders giving one a compressed way of analysis: everything is either of the utmost importance and needs to be dealt with this second or it is irrelevant3.
So I am plotting and planning, and hell if I have time to write an article of any substance. There’s a little research involved in these articles, but I try to shade them towards the anecdotal on purpose. Because there’s plenty of science on the subjects I write, and that can be found elsewhere. I am taking you on a trip inside my mind. Even now I suppose, though I’m not quite sure—like I am normally—where this is going.
Paranoia. I have it. It is part of OCD, and I am positive I am using the term wrong relative to an actual diagnosis. I am not schizophrenic, I have no tendencies in that area at all. Doctors don’t often like when I use the term “paranoia,” but I have to. Because what I feel right now is different than anxiety or fear. I have the feeling that people are plotting against me. Not as actively as having meetings with my face up on a projector’s screen with a circle-X through it! That’s, silly. Kinda funny. But, alas, back to reality.
I believe I need to go more in depth about how people with mental disorders are taken advantage of, and I will in the future. That would be its own article. And a long one. It would boil down, on the personal side, of me allowing such actions to take place. Because I have major weaknesses in that area.
I am consumed with the notion that I am being taken advantage of, in a big way. And I cannot get that out of my head. With that, I find myself sleeping for eleven, sometimes fourteen hours. I cannot face everything that comes with being taken advantage of. Energy. Energy to detect it, energy to document it, energy to confront it, energy to deal with the results of the first three things in this sentence. I don’t have that energy. Many people do, because they don’t find they need to spend as much energy in these areas to right a wrong-sailing ship. They just… confront it. I plot and plan. If I am going to confront someone or something, it is going to come with words. Oh, words—yeah, a lot of them. Thousands. I do not condense my communication, I am not brief. When I lay things on the line, to right wrongs, I come with loads of documentation. Lawyers would be proud.
So I’ve promised myself (and you) that I’d have an article posted every other day4. And so… check.
I also noticed I skirted the periphery of the issue at hand. It really doesn’t matter. I’d like to keep that to myself. I’ll just say there are snakes out there—people, not good people. And they do many things. And they are no good for those with mental disorders, except—I am hoping—when confronted with the fury OCD can bring.
But in the meantime they allow sorta crappy articles like this to slip through on blogs. Oh! But for them, that person, a thousands-word manifesto is on its way.
1 I don’t even know when this will happen. [BACK]
2 You do know this site has categories. Yeah! Right there to the right. [BACK]
3 A lot more of the former, a lot less of the latter. Usually. [BACK]
4 Which oddly fits nicely into a seven-day week for me. I like it. Every other week, articles on different days, then back again. You’d think I would hate this. I’ve learned to live with an odd number of days in a week. I wouldn’t do it that way, but they don’t consult with me on calendar items that affect the whole world. [BACK]