Nothing is ever perfect, but sometimes everything feels right enough. Yes, I have an “enough.” At times. Not all the time, often I find that going through my rituals to make things right in the world ends up being a figurative circle: never-ending. That’s common.
But then there are times like right now: I’m wearing clothes that fit well, I’ve gone through my list of things to do—all in order to make things “right”, I’ve been able to work successfully to compartmentalize and ignore mess—figurative and literal, I’ve been able to put all the potentially bad eventualities into a box of sorts in my mind for the time being.
Now, frankly, I don’t want to screw anything up. I’m caught in what I’d describe as a reverse of obsession and compulsion. Oh, I am obsessed—always. That is a constant state of mind and is not necessarily good or bad. But the compulsion right now is to not act on anything. To not prod at whatever power it is that creates Bad and Not Right.
I find myself moving things off my calendar with the explicit purpose of not digging into what could be productive, for the sake of ensuring I absolutely do not fail and create problems. It isn’t always true, but often doing nothing does form a state of… problemlessness.
This isn’t easy. I am addicted to being productive. I’ll find work to do always, somehow. My own personal nature abhors a vacuum too—it just happens to be a mental one. One I am within right now. I’ll stick with the simplest description of this state: boring.
I should share the structure and schema for what I would like to get done. You see, I am a person of the destination and not the journey. So I have compiled lists. I have lists of lists. Some items are of a grandiose scale, some are as simple as few-second fixes. All of them could lead to unintended consequences. Oh, there are around four-hundred items in total on these lists.
I don’t want to do any one of them at this moment.
Part of this—it must be said—comes from a cynicism about the people around me and the situations they create. There’s a very negative aspect to this problemlessness. I lie in a pool of wallow consumed that no one is actively helping me any. I use the term “wallow” lightly, but I still use it. I’m not angry at the world, I just happen to know that right now if I were to attempt productivity I would be alone in doing so. I don’t quite know if I feel it is the responsibility of others to assist me. I really don’t know. But I know they won’t.
Now, I could sit down with all of my lists and truly wallow in the lack of help I am getting on most of the important items. I could be bitter and all that really crappy stuff. But, no. I prefer to let the static silence be the environment around me for now.
It sure is boring, though. You see non-productive activities like mindless television, browsing the Internet without the purpose of learning, and the like aren’t things I do. I watch television, I am on the Internet pretty much all day—but proactively. Right now though, none of that. Why risk stirring up emotions I’m not in a state to handle? Best be sequestered. In boredom.
Is this all a compulsion? Is it? Is this any different than a typical OCD episode, just in reverse? You see—those episodes are generally more irrational than they are rational.
The one obsession that comes to the forefront when I am in this state of stasis is desire. I need to want something. If I don’t have an immediate desire, my brain makes one up for me. Nice system, eh? I then begin thinking of all the ways those around me could make my life better. This is selfish and not fair. Though it is to be noted, I don’t actually convey this to anyone. However, in this state of mind (and often other states of mind) I feel I mentally do far beyond what is expected of a human being existing in this universe.
My brain is doing all this work, and everyone else is not.
It is not healthy, boredom. I love stasis more than anything single entity in the universe—that comes with my OCD. But boredom—the lack of productive action. Alone, not a bad thing; but surrounded by others, not good for my overall wellbeing.
I begin to dislike, and then snowball down from there. I may even begin to dislike what you’re doing. And that’s no good!