I recently—too recently—wrote an article detailing how my perception of the fit of my t-shirts tracks to my OCD.
Taken as a singular piece of work—this article—I feel it best to revisit the whole scenario for the sake of understanding how my OCD works. The article has a beginning and an end. Think of the content what you will, but it describes something that does not have a beginning nor an end I can foresee.
The fit of my t-shirts is something that involves a multitude of ways in which my brain works as well the outside world works:
1. My perception of fit and feel of something tactile.
2. My mood and how that changes #1 above—something I do not have a handle on
3. The actual fit of my t-shirts, as I have gained some weight and not all of this is irrational.
“Irrational.” That is an interesting word choice. What is rational, when a t-shirt that clearly was “ok” by my standards is suddenly “not ok” by my standards? Because this is happening right now as I write this1. I am wearing a shirt that by all accounts and everything I can remember fit perfectly last time I wore it, and it just doesn’t feel right.
I should note that since the writing of the initial article on this subject, I have taken to hang-drying all t-shirts so that I am sure there is no shrinkage. And that is working! I can feel the fit remaining the same… usually.
However, I feel the need to write about this more not to belabor the point, but to show how this obsession belabors… me… if you will. This doesn’t go away, and it becomes a singular thing I focus on. I can get some work in here and there, I am not paralyzed. However, it is taking up pretty much ninety percent of my thought.
This is my OCD in tactile form. Or, as tactile as possible—as it is also not rational. Or, I don’t fully know if it is rational as “fit” is partially something someone feels, and isn’t always something one measures. Ok, yes, my L-sized shirts are too small now. That is known. I’m buying XXL now so as to try to ensure no fit issues. But… my brain… just…
Right now, I am going through a lot of stress, rejection—all sorts of bad things. Once this state occurs, everything is wrong. For some reason, my perception of the fit of my t-shirt becomes the focus. I don’t know why, but the obsession is there. It must be noted that no other article of clothing is so attached to my OCD as t-shirts!
This goes on. That is important, and the reason for writing about this here again.
This goes on and I cannot stop it. And it takes work. I try on other shirts during the day to see how they fit. Sometimes the same shirts fit poorly—which is when I know I am in an OCD episode. Now, at the same time, I do need to have a shirt on2 that I am not obsessed with. I need to carry on with other non-t-shirt things during the day.
There. This is a view of my OCD. I don’t know where this all goes. It generally ends with “it’s a thing.” So I’ll end this article with that.