Mood is the driver, I am merely the passenger. It shouldn’t be this way, but it turns out most things shouldn’t be the way they are. People matter and what people think matters, and I have it on good authority that people think it’s bothersome to them for someone else (someone, say, like me) to express my flailing moods.

I try not to think of others that much, but I am obsessed with them. I cannot deny that my OCD has a lot to do with where I fit relative to other people. I’d like to think everything truly is inside my head—that is to say without the contamination of misreading what others think. But that is not the case, I am constantly adjusting myself to how I think others think. So much noise relative to the signal.

I’m moody. “Moody” is a word that others use, I try not to. Things can’t be boiled down into one word and its opposite. (Whatever the word for “not moody” is.) No, I’m a pretty friggin’ complex person. I don’t know if that is relative to others or just something I’m observing about myself. Well, everything is relative to everything else in some way. Is that heavy or something? It’s not, it’s just a way to check one’s thoughts. You can’t see in darkness without the opposite present: light. You can’t see the light without darkness present.

I think I had much more figured out when I was eighteen. I didn’t suffer moods, I felt moods. Everything was proactive, active. If I felt like a loser at life, I used that fuel. I owned that.

Now I just lose as if it were expected all along.

I’m moody and who really cares? No one has the time for my moods, and I suppose I don’t really find myself with a lot of time for others moods. Except for the few people close to me. Their moods matter tremendously. But all that is a mess because I can’t figure people out anyway, so we come back to me and my moods.

This doesn’t have to mean anything in the strict architecture of “meaning” I generally adhere to when communication how I feel. This time I’m… kinda not doing that.

Because I don’t understand mood. It can’t be predicted, it tends to just go where it wants to on its own not based on events caused by the rest of the world. The worst stuff or best stuff can happen to me and my mood doesn’t track accordingly.

My mood is just a surprise I get every day. Hey! You’re 1 out of 10 today, enjoy bed. Hey! You’re 9 out of 10 today, enjoy being hyper-productive!

I mentioned losing. I lose often. I rarely win. That is because winning and losing is a relative measure to other’s actions, achievements, and the like. When I am at my best I don’t play the game. When I am at my worst, I look at the game and get very angry at its existence. Mood… it’s everything in-between those two things.

So what does it matter that I’m moody? That my moods swing wildly? Certainly, no one cares, no one wants to be around that. Now, hold on… hold on… I’m not saying no one wants to be around me. They just like to be around me when my mood is flat.

Oh, and my mood is often flat. I often feel nothing. But that’s truly a whole other thing that involves medication, getting older, being sick of most things, not belonging, oh yeah… quite a lot.

But I am focusing my thoughts right now on the other edges of mood. The highs and lows, as it were.

WHAT CREATES MOOD AND HOW DO I CONTROL IT!?

I can deal with the highs and lows, I just would like some control over when and where, so I can best use mood towards productivity. Right now it’s just a book of random numbers.

There is no conclusion here, we all just move on. I just move on and try to figure out why my brain seems to want to feel certain things and not feel certain things seemingly without input at all.

Something is the driver, I am merely the passenger.