This is part of a series of ongoing OCD episodes, which I will post as they happen. This is live, stream of consciousness. It happens. Often. Sometimes the subjects are different.
Antsy. Twitchy. I am antsy because I know I have mental energy stored up to do something. But nothing is right, not anywhere. No where I look is anything Ok. I don’t wish to make anything in my physical world Ok. I could put stuff away, but it’ll be a temporary fix- both mentally as well none of the stuff will remain in its proper place.
The physical world around me is disorganized, it’s not good, but it is not the crux of my issue. The world of thinking and applying my brain- that is the issue here.
My brain thinks of everything happening and not happening, and none of it is a system of my own building, therefore it is not Ok. And it would be a monumental task- at this moment, at least- to even delve into it. And that “it” is all of life. So I sit here, antsy as fuck. I want to do something. I want to work. I want to create. But there is no method for me to do so, as the inner-workings of the world around me make it impossible for creativity and/or work to be done in a satisfactory manner.
Twitch. I twitch. I used to pace, but this time I’m just going to sit down and stare at my computer screen.
Fuck everyone who built this world, you all are terrible architects of life. Because you do not care. Your lives just move forward, oblivious to so much that I can’t not see and feel and know the eventualities of. I’m not smarter than you, I am just much more sensitive to everything.
Every little thing is heightened, and each of these things are a roadblock. None a pathway to a destination I see as being fruitful to start a journey towards. I do not need a battle today, at lease not at this moment. (And this moment has been going on for five hours now.)
I didn’t build this shit world, I was just placed here. I am positive I could figure a way it could all be structured properly… but it is a world, and others live in it and affect it. I cannot change them, thus I cannot change this morass which prevents me from doing anything.
So I sit. And twitch. And get angry. Angry mostly in my head because what use is it conveying my anger or any one of the above thoughts. People are going to do what people do, and thus ruin any chance of me being able to forge an organized, solid, safe and comfortable place for me to exist productively today.
Writing this all does not help. I have tens of thousands of words written similar to this.
Sometimes the anger part at least gives me a place to rest. I admit that, and I admit that is wholly irrational. That, by far, is not the place I want to be. But I have to be somewhere, it may as well be there- with my anger. Because otherwise I will be with confusion. Those are my two options.
So I twitch, antsy, waiting for something. I will repeat this over and over. “This” not really being much of anything, which in and of itself brings me down. The tire is stuck, the mud I did not create, it all has to go away. And I have zero problem saying the world created this situation of being stuck, and its inhabitants should maybe lend a hand getting me unstuck.
I could list all the things not right, but it would pretty much be everything. And I know this is my brain observing things. But I cannot stop it.
Twitch, repeat. Wait, get angrier first. Now repeat.