OCD Episode: Amidst Toxicity and the Lack of Willingness to Break Things

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I write for a lot of reasons. I have to write in and for this universe, because this is where I exist. I wish I were in another universe, but that’s not going to happen. I could say I write only for me, but that isn’t true—I want to communicate with this world. Even if it is a one-way communication, which all of this really is.

This world is toxic. It is full of complaints, no one is truly happy. Paradoxically, just writing that sentence put me into the category I was merely trying to observe. I’m thus adding to the toxicity of the world. Every word I am typing is.

But I don’t care at this moment. This is where my mind is, and it isn’t good. Nothing is truly good. I don’t give a crap about existentialism right now. Yeah, the world is absurd and without any grand and all-encompassing structure. People value the worst things. As simplistic and surface-level that seems, I feel it needs to be repeated, for it means something on so many different levels: people value the worst things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah religion and money. We should all know we should scrap those systems for systems of different construct. I mean, we all don’t know that—but we should. From religion comes simplistic non-nuanced values. From money comes simplistic non-nuanced measurements of value. Values and measurements of value: that’s pretty much everything. And we’ve screwed that up. Oh, and not only have we screwed it up as we’ve evolved from much less intelligent beings… we keep building on top of it all.

So I’m writing, I am trying to communicate and create and show. I am trying to document what I observe and bring myself and others to a conclusion. Oh, I am absolutely not always right, but I have a goal here. It is so much more difficult to walk through this mud of reality than the alternate universe I have going on in my head. Yeah, I have a utopia. It has been there since around the time I was seven years old. I’ve built it over the years, and it is grand. Why? Because I continue to scrap most everything I think for something better. I grow. I stop thinking certain things and ways and start thinking better things and ways. Ways—ways to observe, ways to measure, ways to value, ways to live. I very explicitly do not have all the answers. That is the point!

Yet we sit here in a universe that we consider solid and unbreakable. We’re not willing to break everything.

We need to break everything. All of it. Start most of it over other than the stuff we know works. We need to do this often.

Otherwise, well… I know I won’t be fulfilled. Well, who am I? Am I proposing we do things so I’m most fulfilled? No, I just happen to believe that is one area I am not unique. I am not happy and most people are not happy. I can’t get around to measuring everyone, but I’d bet very close to everyone is not happy.

One thing we’ve done over the past ten or so years is we’ve opened ourselves up for everyone to see a lot more detail about ourselves. It is nice to be able to observe—but holy hell is it a terrible world we live in.

This is the universe I was put in. It is not good. Let’s start all of this over.