5 Seemingly Benign Things My OCD Makes Me Anxious About

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These are the five things that come to mind immediately1

1. Picking up my medication
I always feel as if I am being looked at as a doctor shopper. This is because, with my OCD, I always have a lot-too many-questions. Obvious stuff. I need to know everything is going to work out. But knowing how I present myself, I fear that I’m going to be flagged as suspicious. Note: I am not a doctor shopper, and the one narcotic I am on is basically useless.

2. Calling anyone on the phone
I hate the phone. I love communicating with people, and I do so digitally all day. However, on the phone-my OCD does not have time to analyze every eventuality to what I say. I cannot calculate as much as I need to calculate in person or on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, I wish not to manipulate anyone. I just wish to come across correctly. As per who I know I am. I can do that via instant messaging (of any sort) or email.

3. Sleeping
I obsess over the meaning of things like days. Ok, that I know is an odd thing to think about in terms of obsession. But to me, a new day is a reason for my brain to decide-on its own-to be very content or absolutely miserable. I start the day as one or the other: high-high or low-low. From there real life happens of course, which changes things slightly for the better or worse, but the new day is the switch that tells my brain to go way up or way down. And how do we get to the new day? Sleep.

4. Updating my phone or computer
Here is where I should stop and lay down a basis of context that I should have to begin this article. When I say “anxious” I do not mean a little worried. I mean absolutely and completely overtaken by anxiety to the point where I will pace (if no one is around) or want to pace very badly (if people are around.) Everyone updates their digital wares. Heck, most people set their devices to auto-update. Not me. For me, it is a ritual. I feel that each update is a journey that could take me one of two places: A. Not much has changed or B. my whole weekend is ruined because everything is broken and I cannot get into my windows to the world.

5. Future dates
I’m scared out of my mind when I see dates on a calendar somewhat far into the future. I always have been. I remember trying to face this fear back when I had a handwritten calendar by going 8-9 months in advance and writing, on a day during that time period, the following: “How is life now?” I am obsessed with the notion that all sorts of horrible things will have happened up to that point that my life will be in shatters. Horrible things I can’t even write here.

1 My best friend, when I told her I was writing this list added “Making the list. I’d think: what did I forget?” To that I say, easily, I always make my lists five points. So that’s how I combat that obsession. And I did. See? Five.  [BACK]