I hate the word “blog.” Well, we started off quickly, didn’t we? I always have hated the word. I used to keep a diary online. It didn’t have a known category or type. It was just words from my brain. Moving on…
I’m trying to write the story of my life. (As well describe mental illness to others who either don’t know much about its inner workings or to bridge a connection with those who do.) But I have OCD. Because of that, nothing I post here is ever right at all, and I know that. I mean I really know that- as in every time I hit “publish” I wish to go back and edit things to add more and more meaning. As verbose as I am, there is never enough meaning. I see loose ends where others see simple phrases conjoining ideas.
I knew that coming in, and I actually made a rule: I refuse to edit entries beyond attempts at clearing up grammar and the like. If I didn’t, I’d be posting only once a week, and wearing out all of my energy. I’m supposed to be receiving energy from this exercise of a site, not depleting it, when all is summed up,
I am a hard worker, but I look at work that hasn’t been started yet with a measurement of the maximum amount of energy that could possibly be necessary for said work- taking into account (again) all possible eventualities I can think of. I then obsess over having to spend that amount of energy, when in reality that isn’t the amount necessary to be spent.
So I push through, but there’s a sense of pure mess with this whole site.
I’m currently obsessing over my entry Happiness Is a Right. I started the article with the American notion of the “pursuit of Happiness” and never quite tied in the “pursuit” part to my feelings that happiness itself- not just the pursuit- is a right. I want to go back. But if I let myself, I’m letting myself go back to ten other articles that just aren’t tied up perfectly. I would deconstruct them all, and it would be a mess of words and phrases all over the place with missing parts meant to hold them together.
I then look at my Imagining OCD, Serial 002 article. I always put exactly five things in these articles. I mentioned number five was a throwaway item, as I could not think of any other relevant ways to imagine OCD. But it was not a throwaway, actually. I obsessed over having a solid five items- and that obsession should have been mentioned.
I’ve lost you haven’t I? All right, all right, all right.
I also am not getting across how much this is hell. I’ve tried not to interject too much humor into this site. This is because the underlying things I am talking about, I am hoping you- the reader- can imagine amplified ten or one hundred times. Because that is the reality of what I am going through.
I mention rewinding time. It’s important to note that these episodes can last many paralyzing hours. As well I’ve literally inflicted pain on myself from getting in such an obsessive frenzy about wanting to go back in time.
So this article is meta, fine. But it’s a good implementation for an article to look back at this entire entity. It may help you understand the magnitude of it more. As well, I snuck in some over-editing I promised myself I would not do by interjecting it into a new article.
I can play tricks on my brain at times to get by.
This is the part where I say “Anyway.”
Anyway, I don’t know what you’re getting out of this site. I can only hope it’s a real-life picture of OCD, but painted in a way that I don’t think most others have painted it. That is not a knock on anyone else, I just don’t quite have the same OCD others have. But the parts of my OCD that are heightened are important to put down in some form of media. Why? Because it exists, and that’s the only reason necessary.
But beyond what you may see- I see a mess no matter how hard I try1.
This is inevitable. I don’t like any of this.
This is OCD.
1I did just check the three hyper links five times each to make sure they went to the right place. The first four times, I doubted.