The State of Me.

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…well, as of February 2017

I understand there is an “About the Author” page, but I think it is important to start this site off with what was birthed as a mind-dump back a few months ago, and gives a much more in depth picture of what I deal with. This article is pretty much centered on me, it touches on OCD a bit, but is a bit off topic (there you go, starting things off outside the focused topic of this site.)

Me.

I am constantly an outsider. So much so I don’t even classify within a group of people you’d call “outsiders.”

There is very little in this world that interests me. That which does, I put such extreme focus on, I pretty much over-perfect it.

Rarely- almost never- do things work for me.

I sometimes calm myself down with rote tasks like cleaning and organizing just for the sake of massaging my brain. These activities serve no real purpose in terms of an end game, and that is fine. They do not define me.

I am currently in a temporary pursuit of money. Because I wish to have enough to not have to worry about it, as money is an object you cannot deny needing. I do not want to need it. There is very little I wish to purchase. I just wish to not have to worry about the worst that can happen if I have no money at all, and I will pursue that until that goal is complete. At that point, money will not matter to me. It is not a lot of money relative to what most people need on whatever basis of time you wish measure (weekly, monthly, yearly.)

I do not like most people. They do not help me, and getting involved with most people brings more trouble than help.

I know I was not meant for this world, but I am not suicidal by any means. I wish to live. Because I do enjoy what I consider “life.” What I consider “life” is so far different than anyone I’ve met to date. And I have met closely with people of most walks of life.

I am an extreme rule follower when I weigh the consequences of not following the rules. I do not want to spend my energy and worry on those consequences.

However, most rules were not written with someone like me in mind, thus I must break them frequently to survive and enjoy life. I have no regard for rules, other than they are something I must adhere to, usually, to keep things level. When following the rules will not keep things level, I break them.

I am also non-confrontational, as it would take up what little energy I have to be confrontational as compared to what I will receive in the end- mostly. At rare times this is not true, I bypass the mess of typical confrontation and order.

I learned once that the people that have it the most difficult in life are those that are both sensitive and intelligent. I am both. This is a truism.

I frequently cut corners because I wish to move very quickly. I believe in the destination, not the journey. I also realize life on Earth for me is a finite time period, the details of which I do not know.

I am absolutely and completely self-centered first, and then focused on helping certain others- with fervor- second. More so than most people help others.

I am extremely friendly when I have the energy to do so, but I suffer from being an introvert, so interacting with people spends my energy. (For extroverts, it is to be noted that they receive energy from interacting with others. I am not that. I can be classified in this case.) When I do not have the energy to spend on others, I ignore them. It is my only line of defense, as one cannot spend energy they do not have.

Most everyone is neither helpful nor kind to me. I accept this. It saddens me often, other times I let it ride and do not think about it.

But I think. I spend most of my day thinking. More so than any other task or activity. I think of every possible eventuality (I can) of every action I may or may not take, or have taken.

I think in big chinks, about big things. Details just clutter my mind. I assess things on a very grand scale.

I work in routine, as the rhythm of routine gets things done quickly and most efficiently. I am, on purpose, a slave to routine. And everything outside of routine is reckless, and I abhor recklessness.

I have been near the lowest of low one can be in a first world country of someone of my race and gender. As well I have been at the highest of highs I’d ever wish to be at- though at those points I made mistakes because I did not have previous experience to fall back on to learn from. I tend to only learn from my own self, I rarely step outside of my own existence for learning, as no much out there applies to me. I have a very good sense of what applies to me. That is not to say I have not tried other things. And when I do try I gave it my every ounce of energy available, and very quickly move on if it is not working.

I show love. I deeply care about very select people. I have learned to have a very small circle of friends and people I love, and to have random people on the side I communicate to one-way virtually in the least personal way possible. This is for protection. People are generally out to set up a system of unfair balance between give and get with you. Except those I have chosen to love. They are in that category because the aforementioned balance is close to fair as possible in a relationship. I will go above and beyond for the people I love.

I do not hate anyone. Even people who have screwed up my life in enormous ways. I have parted from them (and will part from those types of people if it happens again within my circle of love) and I wish them a good life. Beyond that wish, I ignore them and avoid them through all measures.

I am extremely paranoid of others’ mistakes affecting me negatively and do everything in my power to mitigate that possible damage. I am on the constant look out for these mistakes taking seed, and wish to nip their potential damage in the bud before it grows into a problem. A problem is defined as something I need to spend energy on that I should be spending on something more productive.

People keep making mistakes around me. No one is perfect, I do not expect people to not make mistakes. But the manner in which they deal with these mistakes- often very big mistakes- I can see the end result of. And it generally bodes very poorly for me. People fuck up, I clean it up.

Seemingly benign things depress me. For example: noise, mess and clutter and things not in a place, parts of my past life. I am rarely depressed, these things just sadden me. I am lucky not to have depression as a condition. Right now, the best anyone can describe me according to psychiatry is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. (The latter being a cop-out diagnosis.)

I know how to get people on my side, but do so sparingly. I have a view of morals that is much more complex than that of the society I live in, and most humans in general. If I need something from someone, I give them a massive amount of energy, and I become indispensible to them. I do not view this system as “bad.”

When I describe myself according to categories that the world I live in has constructed, I often fall into contradictory categories.

I do not expect anyone to understand me, and keep the verbose thoughts like those spelled out here to myself.

I do not like being an outsider as described above. It leads to sometimes lengthy Anhedonia.

Personal safety is the most important thing to me. It is the paramount feeling in my life, and one I wish to achieve at all times. It may be all I need.

The problem is that the world outside of my continues to operate in a way that is incongruous with how I and my brain operate. And the continuousness of it is unnerving, at times scary, at times frustrating, at times causing anxiety. None of it good. This sometimes involves one thing (which often uncontrollably explodes into something more all-encompassing than it should be), or involves very wide-ranging elements of “life”

I have no solution to the quandaries this all puts me in. I do not believe there is a “solution” because this all-encompassing situation is not a singular “problem,” and my not even be a “problem” in the sense of life on Earth. It’s a higher “problem” than that, and thus I don’t know if I should even define it as a “problem.”

I do have solutions to specific elements of this all. But those are laden with all sorts of types of blockades from other people. Real blockades. Very real. Often blockades on top of blockades. Not the type of blockades self-help types would have easy solutions to. I very much dislike and avoid the existing universe of self-help, therapy, and the like. Though I’ve studied it and partaken enough in it to understand it. It does not help me, it is not geared in any way towards someone like me.

These solutions require action on the part of others, and others do not act in a fashion that helps me. Any actions are often superficial, often to get rid of me asking for help, a quick answer to mark off- inaccurately- a to-do I put on the other person’s list. This, if any action at all is taken. I am also often flat-out ignored. It may because what I ask of others is more complex than they’re willing to handle.

I thus end up doing most everything myself, if I can. And if I can’t I still attempt. And the end result is often not good. Because we live in a society, and need to support each other by way of each others means, needs, and best way of delivering said support. If support and help is superficial, it does not help.

I am very particular about what I need from others, because I have spent a lot of energy surveying what help I need, what single-situation solutions I need, in as much as I know almost all of the eventualities of said situation moving forward.

Any help or support not within these boundaries and methods I insist on is recklessness in my mind. People who operate outside these things are wildcards, and I move far away from wildcards and their life universe.

I prefer life be militaristic. There is a reason humanity has perfected its various militaries above most all else. Because they work.

Summarizing.

Life is very imbalanced against me because of the way I think and do things.

People rarely help me. Most help I get ends up being more work for me.

I am focused right now on money, for many reasons- none of which are consumerism.

I am sensitive and intelligent, which is the worst combination psychologically.

I am not meant for this world, but I want to live within it.

I am both self-centered (for protection) and very loving, but loving only to select people- to which I give as much of my energy as possible- sometimes more than I have.

I am an introvert, and dealing with people sucks my energy rather than gives me energy.

I end up doing everything necessary for me to achieve my goals myself, not always by choice, but generally because only I seem to step to the plate to do these things.

I am not happy, and I have bouts of Anhedonia. I have not found a release, other than sometimes being in a happy place doing rote chores and the like.

My life as it is not sustainable. Something (or some things, or many things) have to change.

Personal safety is the most important thing to me. This means many, many things. That is happiness to me. More on this concept soon.