This article is by no means complete. It really is an outline, or a foundation. The whole idea of THAT- seeing these articles as incomplete and needing more and more from my mind- is something I plan on discussing as part of my condition. I can’t even pick the category for this article without over-thinking.
“Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It’s an oft-mentioned phrase in America, it’s somewhat governmental (do note you should know it is not in the American Constitution, but the Declaration of Independence1), and the term I’m going to focus on- “happiness” may very well have meant something of a slightly different nuance in 1776 than it does today. But, inalienable rights- of which people long ago saw these three things as- are important to define for all of humanity. And I think those who wrote the Declaration of Independence, well, they were onto something.
I’m going to go with a modern definition of happiness, but it will include a wide range of emotions like contentment, calmness of being, and the fulfillment of one’s own existence- the latter being a lengthy way of saying “being ok.”
I am not a happy person. The fact that I write about my mental conditions should not be an indication that I’ve come up with any solutions for them. They are a massive burden, and they are steel-reinforced blockades to happiness. I can communicate, I can create (though not as often as I’d like for these aforementioned conditions), and I can pretty much fake my way through typical life.
I often get angry that I am not happy. I know that my life is probably complicated, but that which makes me happy- while I can’t always describe it to people well- is not complicated. At least I am pretty sure of that. I find happiness in calm and simple.
So I think: I really shouldn’t feel so unhappy and unfulfilled. I feel that’s… wrong. I truly feel it is wrong for anyone not to feel happiness, unless the lack of happiness is of their own doing and lack of trying2.
I work towards happiness. I work very, very hard. I’d even say this being such the forefront of my ambitions and goals- I try harder than most anyone I know. Just to be happy. Ironically here, a simple happiness
This is where it gets into a lot of murky shit where I look real bad, seem angry at the world, which leads to all sorts of insinuation that I feel I deserve certain things that humans are responsible solely for crafting themselves. The phrase “certain things” mentioned here is important. Because the insinuation is that I feel I deserve a life that is maybe easy, catered to by people I somehow find lesser than me, and a host of other evil things. All the while, I’m saying this as a member of a first world country. Fucking murky.
All of this I’ve said above has such a multitude of places where people- even smart people- can stop reading and dismiss my beliefs in what I should expect as asking too much relative to the rest of the world- of which I do have many things easier than the majority of people.
But I am me. And I refuse to not believe happiness is- in its core and even modern definition- a right. For all humans, and being me, I am concerned with me.
So me. I’m here to talk about me, and I don’t feel bad doing so.
The frustration with my lack of happiness is because I feel under the control of something other than me, and I’m angry at that. Thing. I don’t feel that has anything to do with my status on any area of existence relative to anyone else in the world.
I feel you, fellow reader, should be happy. I feel I should be happy. I feel that is a right, and I am very intentionally and stalwartly using the term “should.”
“This area is intentionally left blank.”
1 I’d go as far as saying that would have been a nice thing to constitutionally guarantee, but this isn’t a site about the foundation of law.
2 Now do I actually fit into this category, and thus am nullifying this whole piece? I assume some people think so. I know this not to be true.